Sitting with myself in hindsight I became obsessed with my own successes.  I knew Martha was young and innocent and I wanted to own those characters for myself. I knew from the day she walked into my practice that I wanted to possess her. Not only her beauty, but she was pure in every sense of the world, something that I seldom found in the women I dated. I knew I did not want to just date her; she had to be all mine. 

I cannot blame my childhood; it was a great one. I grew up in Bijlmer in Grubbehoeve - a childhood rich in culture, friendships and community life. Everyone knew everyone, Amsterdam in my opinion is the best place in the world to grow up as a child. I am of Ghanian descent I am proud of who I am, though I have now brought shame to myself and my lineage. I never lacked love, though it was strong discipline in my home - my father was loving, but very hard on us four boys. My mother was always singing, I don't know a day she was not and always happy, they were both very happy parents.  I am the third of four boys, the only one to go to university, my brothers all went into the family merchandising business. I never had an interest in that. But my father was elated when I did well in school and was afforded a full scholarship to attend both undergraduate and dental school in America. My mother cried, she was attached to us all. He said let the boy go and see the other part of the world. But you know a mother's love, she always sees her children as her babies. 

I visited home every summer for a month then returned to Milwaukee. Once I completed dental school, I became an associate at a practice and within two years opened my own. I do not limit myself, whatever I want I find a way to achieve it, but with Martha she took more effort than usual, and I just knew she was worth it. She was just that woman that I knew I wanted to be on my arm; in my bed. Not like a thing, but my own if I make sense. 

Her parents saw me as a threat to their closeknit family, her father was especially indifferent to us. He had a fist of features when we were introduced, her mother was softer and more tender, but the influence of the husband was strong. I figured, I am a grown man, she was a grown woman why do we need parental permission to be husband and wife? I did not reach out to my parents; I was in America living life on my own terms. 

Fast forward to our marriage, I gave Martha everything. A beautiful home overlooking the golf course, she was on a hill - I put her on a pedestal of a property, because she was my queen. She had money, jewels, and all things material. I worked hard to give her the world. I had her working in my office and for those of you who read our story, don't judge me for the criteria of her working there, I had my reasons. But Martha was ungrateful, was I not enough? Why complicate things with a child? I wanted just us, no children to interrupt our lives. 

I always knew Attorney Jane Genea, and some may ask why I didn't marry her. She was fun for me, and maybe I would have had I not met Martha, honestly, I think I would have. Jane was intelligent, she had her own beauty, not like Martha's, she was worldly, she was not pure like my Martha she had a history with men, a long one, but hey no shame in being a free spirit.  She and Martha's paths never crossed, I was skillful in making sure - we met at secret locations, and it was so sweet and so much fun, the rush of the possibility of getting caught enticed me more and more - though I did not want to get caught. I think I would have kept them both if I was given the chance. Don't judge me, I am being honest. 

I told Martha, that I just wanted her, I felt ambushed when I noticed the changes in her body. I studied Martha like I prepare for a root canal. I close my eyes now and I still remember everything about her - her cinnamon and macadamia scent, her skin so soft my hands glided across her body, with ease like a hot knife through butter. She was perfection. 

I know many of you think that I am a monster. I agree, I now sit in my isolation my conscience is my only companion, and it whips me daily. I have to live with what I have done, but I never intended for it to come to this. If only she just let it be. Be happy with the life I created for her, she did not have to work, she could have done charity work, have friend groups and host book clubs whatever - but she wanted a baby and she wanted me to give up a relationship that pre-dated her. And don't come for me, men cheat; women cheat. I am not glorifying this, but it happens and we get so deep in our second lives that we just cannot severe one for the other. 

I have life without the possibility of parole and I have accepted this. My parents have disowned me, and I have accepted that as well.  I have a cell to myself, and from time to time I teach dental health to the inmates, one of the opportunities I was afforded, this is my life now. It makes no sense wishing for freedom that will never come. But I am human too, and I wanted a love that was just mine, Martha just was not the one who wanted to give me what I wanted. I chose wrong; I married wrong. And to be honest, I would do it again, because if I could, I would have included her in her my life - see I realize, that I was the only one living she was existing in the world that I created for her, not asking nor respecting what she wanted. A life lesson; a hard lesson. I may speak again; confessions are good for the soul.